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A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
-Ingrid Bergman
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The iPad 2 is so thin, Charlie Sheen could use it to cut lines of cocaine and then FaceTime with Mel Gibson. Winning. ~ notasausage
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If one of you had a zombie bite, I'd cowboy up and shoot you. Even if it wasn't a 100% for-sure zombie bite. Even if there were no zombies. ~ @ShittingtonUK
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ~ PeterGriffeyJr
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Favre will be announcing his decision in a month long special on ESPN called ESPN. ~ @sethmeyers21
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To clarify, original estimate of 5,000 barrels a day was PER SERVING. No one asked how many servings there were. ~ @sethmeyers21
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I once had a life ... then some idiot came and told me to make a Twitter account. ~ @funnyorfact
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Girls get periods, pregnancy, and pain. Boys get food, football, and females...WTF? ~ @ohteenquotes
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I found a huge design flaw in my new iPhone. People get angry when I talk on it during a funeral. ~ @ConanOBrien
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Apologies if you walk in on my tweets and it smells like corn nuts. The bag off BBQ corn nuts were begging to be eaten. #CornNutSmell ~ @iGoByDoc
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