What’s all this FourSquare bullshit? I should just buy that outfit and shut them down! ~ @fake_stevejobs
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If you want to look beautiful/handsome, hang around with ugly people. ~ @funnyorfact
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Apologies if you walk in on my tweets and it smells like corn nuts. The bag off BBQ corn nuts were begging to be eaten. #CornNutSmell ~ @iGoByDoc
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I found a huge design flaw in my new iPhone. People get angry when I talk on it during a funeral. ~ @ConanOBrien
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Man, if Hulu Plus washed my car, brought back Firefly, and didn’t have ads, I’d sign up for $2/month. #entitlement ~ @kenfisher
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Girls get periods, pregnancy, and pain. Boys get food, football, and females…WTF? ~ @ohteenquotes
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I once had a life … then some idiot came and told me to make a Twitter account. ~ @funnyorfact
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To clarify, original estimate of 5,000 barrels a day was PER SERVING. No one asked how many servings there were. ~ @sethmeyers21
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Favre will be announcing his decision in a month long special on ESPN called ESPN. ~ @sethmeyers21
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Pakistan Gov’t is like college buddy who always borrows money and then instead of paying you back gives it to the Taliban. ~ @sethmeyers21
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